


Yours, now and forever

by horsefacewriter



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, the plot is pretty much nonexistant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 12:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6519244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horsefacewriter/pseuds/horsefacewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a letter caught his eye as it was resting against the pillows on the neatly made bed. Written on it was ‘Iwa-chan’  with the beautiful penmanship of Oikawa. He reached for it with now shaking hands, not certain if he was meant to read it now or if he should wait for him to get back. But the mere presence of the letter made his stomach tied in knot, so he resolved to open it up before he would convince himself not to, and started reading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yours, now and forever

**Author's Note:**

> Found some angsty piece on my laptop and decided to apply it to oiiwa because I like to suffer

Iwaizumi was panicking. He hadn’t seen Oikawa all day, sure that wasn't anything new, but he hasn't picked up his phone or answered any of his texts. He always knew where Oikawa was and the not knowing part made him feel like something was seriously wrong. Iwaizumi couldn’t take the not knowing anymore and started running to Oikawa’s place, not caring about the fierce summer heat making him drenched in sweat almost immediately.

He should’ve taken his bike. Heck, he could’ve asked for a ride there from his parents, but he didn’t stop running.The sun was almost setting but the air was still warm against his skin. Too warm as his school uniform clung uncomfortably against his skin. The road seemed longer now than ever before, but Oikawa’s house soon came into view.

Iwaizumi took two shaky breaths before ringing the doorbell to the well familiar house.

“Hello? Oh, hi Iwaizumi-kun, isn’t Tooru with you?” It was Oikawa’s mother at the door.

“What? No? Should he be?” Iwaizumi was confused by her question.

“Huh, I thought he said he was stepping out to see you just a moment ago. Guess I heard wrong.” She shrugged before continuing “Want to come inside and wait for him to come back?” She smiled one of those smiles that Oikawa himself usually smiled when he tried to reassure the team that they were going to win.

“Ah, yes please. I’ll go to his room if you don’t mind.” Iwaizumi went straight to Oikawa’s room, not bothering to greet the rest of the Oikawa family.

He closed the door behind him and sighed. At least he knew Oikawa was fine. He went to sit on Oikawa’s bed as he waited, not caring that he was covered in sweat. It was Oikawa’s own fault that he was anyway, so this would be his punishment for not answering him. As he sat down, a letter caught his eye as it was resting against the pillows on the neatly made bed. Written on it was ‘Iwa-chan’  with the beautiful penmanship of Oikawa. He reached for it with now shaking hands, not certain if he was meant to read it now or if he should wait for him to get back. But the mere presence of the letter made his stomach tied in knot, so he resolved to open it up before he would convince himself not to, and started reading.

 

 

_“Dear Hajime,_

_No more._

_I figured you would be the first one to notice that I’m gone. Probably from me not answering any of your texts or calls. Sorry about that, but it is better this way. I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened to me, it’s been long coming and I just couldn’t take anymore._

_Tell me, Hajime, have you ever felt like crying because everything seems so hopeless, but you are still kind of happy? Like there is just something in the back of your mind that keeps you from feeling just happy. There are just some bad thoughts just waiting to take over and you know if you give in –they will. Should you give in to it, and then hopefully be over with it, or do you have to fight it until you break and happiness will be so far from your reach that life itself will seem pointless?_

_Whatever I choose, I know it’s going to be the wrong choice. It always is. Happiness for a larger amount of time is so rare in my life that I can’t even remember the last time when I was happy for an entire week, but I guess I spent that week with you. I can remember some brief moments though, buried under blankets with you, Hajime, where nothing bad could ever get to me. Or when we played volleyball until it got so dark we couldn’t see the ball properly and my tosses kept hitting you on the head. Or that time when I kissed you. Those are my favourite memories, but I couldn’t stay there. I can’t just sit and hide from life itself in a few memories. It doesn’t work that way. I have to get over myself and man up. Face my demons head on and walk into the fire without fear. But if I should falter, I am doomed. My demons will get the upper hand and I wouldn’t stand a chance. It’s not like I have a chance now anyway. I never really did. That tight grip around my throat, making me question whether I should prioritise screaming for help or just trying to breathe. Survive._

_I think that that’s what’s stopped me from giving in sooner. My will to survive. There must be something better than this and I was sure as hell going to find it. Whether it is moments hidden away under blankets in the sunlight or actually feeling something else than regret, shame, angst, awkwardness and panic. At least that’s what I thought I could do. I’m not good with expressing emotions; I don’t even know what everything I feel is, or how I’m supposed to feel._

_Take love for an example, how should I even know if I have ever felt it or not? It doesn’t make any sense. Can’t life just come with an instruction manual so people know what to do? It is all too confusing and I have been living in constant fear of just giving up. Giving in. Ending it all. Be done with it._

_I think I love you Hajime, because leaving you fills me with such grief that I've never felt before. But I can’t live with this constant pain anymore. I really hope you understand, and that there was absolutely nothing you could’ve done to prevent this. Go and live your life, smile and surround yourself with people that are deserving of your love, I know I wasn’t. I have always been too selfish, I know I am now too. Giving up instead if fighting. But I don't know what I'm fighting for, or of there even is something better than this._

_Promise me that you won’t forget about me. I know I shouldn’t be so selfish and say that, but we have already established that I am very much selfish. I want to be remembered by you. Remembered by the wonderful and beautiful Iwaizumi Hajime that was all the happiness I ever felt, the great Iwaizumi Hajime that will take on the world some day. You make people happy, you made me happy, but I can’t, couldn’t, depend on you forever, so I’m relieving you from the pain that I would cause you in the future by leaving you behind. I hope you will forgive me, and yourself, one day. And I hope I don't see you for at least 80 years, because you're gonna grow old, like really old, and have a beautiful and large family. And only when you're done with that, and done all the things you said you would do, we can see each other again. Go live the life you've always dreamt of._

_Yours, now and forever,_

_Tooru”_

 

Tears were slowly rolling down Iwaizumi’s cheeks as he finished the letter. There was too much to process, but he couldn’t take any of it in. He had to get out of there, he had to find Oikawa. Now. He stood up and rushed out of the room and out through the door, clutching the letter in his hand so hard his knuckles went white. The warm air hit his face has he stepped outside. And he closed his eyes for a moment, thinking nothing of this was actually real, that it was all just a sick twisted dream. But the letter burned in his hand and made its presence known. Made it all too real.

Iwaizumi started running. Not caring to say goodbye to Oikawa’s family, or tell them about the letter. He didn’t want to worry them because he was going to find Oikawa and it would all be alright again. It must.

He didn’t know where he was going, his eyes were fogged from crying and his legs seemed to move on autopilot before he remembered what Oikawa wrote. _that time when I kissed you._ He hadn’t included where, but Iwaizumi remembered, and honestly, it was his best bet. He turned right onto the next street, and even though his legs were screaming in agony from running, he pushed on forward. The bridge they had shared their first, and only, kiss was soon laid out in above Iwaizumi. He could see a shadow on the railing. And shouted up at it.

“Tooru!” He rarely, if all, spoke his forename, but it felt right in this moment.

He heard a low “Iwa-chan.” In response, then his voice got louder. “The sky is beautiful tonight, and the air is so warm against my skin. This is how I like to remember it.”  Oikawa put his arms out as if to suck it all in one last time.

“I’m coming up to get you, so stay there before you do anything stupid!” Iwaizumi had stopped upon seeing Oikawa but was now once again running, still being far from Oikawa. As he was closing in from the road beneath the bridge he saw Oikawa take a step forward. Iwaizumi let out a heartwrenching scream as he saw his friend fall towards the ground.

“Goodbye, Hajime.”

 


End file.
